Category: Case Files

  • Case File 0577: The Fish Tank Incident

    Case File 0577: The Fish Tank Incident

    The policyholder returned home at 6 PM to find the living room carpet saturated, a fish tank empty, and the cat sitting on the sofa with a look of tidy innocence. The fish, remarkably, were found alive in a mixing bowl. Someone, it seems, had rescued them in a hurry.

    Initial assessment

    The assessor noted a paw print on the edge of the tank. It was wet. It was also, by the shape of it, a cat’s. The cat declined to elaborate.

    Complicating factors

    The tank was a decorative model with a thin lid, a feature the policyholder described as “stylish.” The lid was found on the floor. The cat was found beneath a blanket, apparently asleep.

    Outcome

    Claim approved, less excess. The policyholder has been advised to purchase a heavy lid, and the cat has been advised to apologise to the fish. The fish have not yet forgiven her.

    Statements

    The policyholder was asked whether the cat had ever shown an interest in the fish. “Only every day,” he replied. A neighbour was asked whether she had heard a splash. “I heard a thud, then a splash, then a very long silence,” she said, “and then I heard someone say, ‘Oh, you did not.’” We have accepted this as the clearest account of the afternoon.

    The fish

    Both fish, one orange and one rather offended grey, were assessed by a vet and declared fit. They have since been given a larger tank, with a heavy lid, an alarm and a small sign saying “Please.” The orange fish has become something of a local celebrity.

    Financial summary

    The claim for the carpet was paid in full, less excess and a small deduction for the policyholder describing the lid as “stylish.” The claim for the fish was declined on the grounds that fish are not insured against being rescued.

  • Customer Letter of the Month: ‘My Cat Pushed My Laptop and I Would Like a Refund for Everything’

    Customer Letter of the Month: ‘My Cat Pushed My Laptop and I Would Like a Refund for Everything’

    The letter

    Dear Purrfect Drop,

    I am writing about my laptop. It was on the arm of my sofa, where it had been for many years, and my cat, Biscotti, pushed it onto the floor. It no longer turns on. I would like a refund for the laptop, my screen, my keyboard, my memories, and the coffee I was holding at the time.

    Yours in distress, A Policyholder

    Our reply

    Dear Policyholder,

    Thank you for writing, and for your patience while we read your letter, which had in fact been delivered to the wrong desk and spent some time under a cat.

    We are sorry to hear about the laptop. We are also sorry about the coffee, which we understand was warm.

    What your policy covers

    Your policy covers one laptop, up to a value of £600, in the event of an act of cat. It does not cover memories, which the Bureau has found to be difficult to value, nor does it cover the coffee, which we regard as a consumable.

    What we need from you

    • A photograph of the laptop, before and after.
    • A statement from the cat. If the cat cannot provide one, a statement from a witness.
    • A short description of the sofa arm, including whether it was the type of arm that invites trouble.

    A note on the sofa arm

    Our records show that sofa arms account for nineteen percent of all laptop claims. We advise that laptops be kept away from sofa arms and, where possible, away from cats. If neither is feasible, we recommend investing in a stand, a case, and a very serious conversation.

    Your payout

    We are pleased to inform you that the Bureau has approved your claim at sixty percent of the laptop’s value. The remaining forty percent is withheld on account of your having left a laptop near a cat.

    Yours sincerely, Inspector Marmalade Quill

    Further correspondence

    The policyholder replied the following week with a short note. “Thank you for the leaflet,” it read. “I have placed it on the sofa arm, to keep the laptop company.” We take this as a good sign, though we have not told him the leaflet has since been pushed.

    What happened to the laptop

    The laptop was sent to a repair shop run by a retired technician and his three cats. After inspection it was declared “mostly fine,” a verdict that included a cracked screen, a bent hinge and a small amount of fur in the fan. It now runs, slowly and with great dignity, and it makes a sound like a purr whenever it is switched on.

    Our advice to laptop owners

    Never leave a laptop on a surface you would not trust with a cup of tea. Never trust a cat who is sitting very still near a laptop. Never assume the lid is closed because it looks closed. And never, under any circumstances, let the cat see you check your email on the sofa arm, since she will interpret this as a challenge.

    A word about memories

    Policyholders often ask whether we can cover memories. We cannot, but we do offer a modest, one off gesture of sympathy in the form of a card, which we have been told is rather nice. The card features a drawing of a cat holding a very small umbrella over a very small laptop. It is not a legal document.

    A general note on refunds

    The Bureau does not provide refunds for everything. It provides refunds for something, at a reasonable rate, after a reasonable delay, and with reasonable reluctance. We regard this as the foundation of a long and trusting relationship between a company and the people it quietly disappoints.

    In closing

    We thank all customers who write to us, whether in distress, in anger or in poetry. Every letter is read by a cat, and most are answered by a human, who is paid slightly less.

  • Case File 0412: The Vase, the Cat and the Sudden Breeze

    Case File 0412: The Vase, the Cat and the Sudden Breeze

    Summary of claim

    The policyholder, a Mr. Thaddeus Pimm of no fixed opinion, submitted a claim for one blue vase, “ceramic, large, formerly on the sideboard.” The claim form listed the cause of loss as “a sudden breeze.” The attached photograph showed the vase in eleven pieces and a cat in the background, washing a paw.

    Under the terms of our standard policy, breakage caused by weather, tremor or an act of nature is covered. Breakage caused by a cat is covered only if the cat acted without intent. This assessment explores the question of intent.

    The scene

    Our senior assessor, Inspector Marmalade Quill, attended the property on the Thursday following the incident. She found a sideboard of dark wood, a window that did not open, and a doorway through which no breeze had passed in recent memory. A draught excluder lay across the threshold, undisturbed.

    The vase had stood two centimetres from the edge. The assessor measured the gap three times and recorded, in her report, “two centimetres, which is not nothing.”

    Witness statements

    Four witnesses were interviewed. The policyholder said he had been in the kitchen and had heard “a noise like a bell falling down a well.” A neighbour said she had seen nothing, but added that she had always thought the cat looked “ready for something.” A small child said that the cat had looked at the vase, then at the child, then at the vase again. The cat declined to be interviewed, but was observed licking a paw in a manner the assessor described as “unhelpful.”

    The breeze, when contacted, did not respond.

    Analysis of intent

    Our assessment guide defines intent as “any act preceded by visible deliberation.” The cat was observed by the child to undertake three distinct stages of deliberation: the stare, the paw raised, and the pause. In our experience a pause is the clearest sign of intent, since an accident rarely hesitates.

    However, the policyholder contended that the cat was only “stretching,” and that the vase had, in a sense, been in the way of the stretch. We have considered this argument carefully. We have also considered that cats stretch in the direction of things they intend to push.

    The doctrine of the guilty tail

    The Bureau recognises a long standing principle in cat claims known as the guilty tail. If a cat’s tail is lowered, curled or held still in the minutes after a loss, this is taken as evidence of awareness. In this case, the tail was observed to flick twice, then lie flat, then flick again, which our report classifies as “mixed.”

    Determination

    After thorough review, we have concluded that the loss was caused by a cat acting with partial intent. Under Clause 14, partial intent attracts partial cover. The Bureau will pay forty percent of the replacement cost of the vase, less the excess, plus a small sum for the policyholder’s distress at being told the truth.

    Follow up

    The policyholder has been advised to move his valuables to a high shelf, preferably one that requires a ladder. He has been further advised to take the ladder away afterwards, since the Bureau regards a ladder as an invitation. The cat has received a formal warning, which she is understood to be using as a bed.

    Appendix: the policyholder’s reply

    Mr. Pimm responded to the determination within the hour. His letter ran to two pages and used the word “unfair” nine times, the word “breeze” eleven times, and the word “cat” not at all. We have framed it. It hangs in the Bureau reception area, under a small sign reading “Draught Denial, Grade A.”

    Note for trainees

    New assessors should study this file closely. It shows the importance of measuring the gap, interviewing the child, and never trusting a window that does not open.