Haddock and Quill Loss Adjusters

Tag: small print

  • Reader Questions: Is My Cat Covered if She Pushes Her Own Bowl?

    Reader Questions: Is My Cat Covered if She Pushes Her Own Bowl?

    Is a bowl pushed by its own cat a loss?

    Yes, but a small one. The bowl has no feelings, though its contents may.

    What if the cat pushes the bowl, and then complains?

    This is a known behaviour called the double claim. We treat it as one claim with two grievances.

    What if the bowl is empty?

    An empty bowl pushed from a counter is not a loss, but a statement. The Bureau does not insure statements.

    What if the cat eats from the floor?

    This is covered under the Dining Extension, which has never been used.

    What if the bowl breaks?

    Then the bowl becomes a claim, and the claim becomes a file, and the file becomes a story, and the story is one we are very happy to tell.

    What about a bowl pushed by someone else’s cat?

    This is covered under the Visitor Extension, which applies only if the visiting cat is known to the household, was invited, and left a tip.

    What if my cat pushes the bowl at three in the morning?

    The time of day does not affect the claim, but it does affect the mood of the assessor. We recommend submitting early claims after nine.

    What if I do not own a cat?

    Then who pushed the bowl? The Bureau finds this question troubling and recommends you check the neighbours.

    What if the bowl lands on my foot?

    That is a separate claim, and a separate form, and a separate feeling, and we encourage you to file it with a dry sense of humour.

    Will my premium go up?

    Your premium will go up in the way that all things go up, which is by gently rolling toward the edge.

    Last word

    If your bowl is still intact, congratulations. Please do not tell the cat.

  • Customer Letter of the Month: ‘My Cat Pushed My Laptop and I Would Like a Refund for Everything’

    Customer Letter of the Month: ‘My Cat Pushed My Laptop and I Would Like a Refund for Everything’

    The letter

    Dear Purrfect Drop,

    I am writing about my laptop. It was on the arm of my sofa, where it had been for many years, and my cat, Biscotti, pushed it onto the floor. It no longer turns on. I would like a refund for the laptop, my screen, my keyboard, my memories, and the coffee I was holding at the time.

    Yours in distress, A Policyholder

    Our reply

    Dear Policyholder,

    Thank you for writing, and for your patience while we read your letter, which had in fact been delivered to the wrong desk and spent some time under a cat.

    We are sorry to hear about the laptop. We are also sorry about the coffee, which we understand was warm.

    What your policy covers

    Your policy covers one laptop, up to a value of £600, in the event of an act of cat. It does not cover memories, which the Bureau has found to be difficult to value, nor does it cover the coffee, which we regard as a consumable.

    What we need from you

    • A photograph of the laptop, before and after.
    • A statement from the cat. If the cat cannot provide one, a statement from a witness.
    • A short description of the sofa arm, including whether it was the type of arm that invites trouble.

    A note on the sofa arm

    Our records show that sofa arms account for nineteen percent of all laptop claims. We advise that laptops be kept away from sofa arms and, where possible, away from cats. If neither is feasible, we recommend investing in a stand, a case, and a very serious conversation.

    Your payout

    We are pleased to inform you that the Bureau has approved your claim at sixty percent of the laptop’s value. The remaining forty percent is withheld on account of your having left a laptop near a cat.

    Yours sincerely, Inspector Marmalade Quill

    Further correspondence

    The policyholder replied the following week with a short note. “Thank you for the leaflet,” it read. “I have placed it on the sofa arm, to keep the laptop company.” We take this as a good sign, though we have not told him the leaflet has since been pushed.

    What happened to the laptop

    The laptop was sent to a repair shop run by a retired technician and his three cats. After inspection it was declared “mostly fine,” a verdict that included a cracked screen, a bent hinge and a small amount of fur in the fan. It now runs, slowly and with great dignity, and it makes a sound like a purr whenever it is switched on.

    Our advice to laptop owners

    Never leave a laptop on a surface you would not trust with a cup of tea. Never trust a cat who is sitting very still near a laptop. Never assume the lid is closed because it looks closed. And never, under any circumstances, let the cat see you check your email on the sofa arm, since she will interpret this as a challenge.

    A word about memories

    Policyholders often ask whether we can cover memories. We cannot, but we do offer a modest, one off gesture of sympathy in the form of a card, which we have been told is rather nice. The card features a drawing of a cat holding a very small umbrella over a very small laptop. It is not a legal document.

    A general note on refunds

    The Bureau does not provide refunds for everything. It provides refunds for something, at a reasonable rate, after a reasonable delay, and with reasonable reluctance. We regard this as the foundation of a long and trusting relationship between a company and the people it quietly disappoints.

    In closing

    We thank all customers who write to us, whether in distress, in anger or in poetry. Every letter is read by a cat, and most are answered by a human, who is paid slightly less.

  • Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Every Purrfect Drop policy contains the phrase “act of cat.” It appears in Section 3, between “act of God” and “act of mild neglect.” Customers write to us weekly to ask what it means. We reply in a leaflet, which the customers find less helpful than the phrase.

    The short version

    An act of cat is any loss caused by a cat that a reasonable person could not have prevented, unless a reasonable person could have, in which case it is an act of person.

    The longer version

    The courts of our imagination have held that an act of cat requires three elements. First, a cat must be present. Second, an object must be nearby. Third, a loss must follow. The order of these elements is not important, and indeed, the cat often arrives last.

    Examples that qualify

    • A glass of water pushed from a table while the owner is in another room.
    • A plant knocked from a windowsill in pursuit of a bird that does not exist.
    • A laptop charger chewed through at a rate of one centimetre per minute.
    • A lamp tipped by a cat who was merely checking if it was real.

    Examples that do not qualify

    • A vase dropped by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A cake eaten by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A broken window caused by a football, followed by a cat sitting beside it looking involved.

    Why we do not define it further

    If we defined act of cat too carefully, we would be obliged to pay for it. By leaving the phrase gently open, we preserve the dignity of the Bureau and the mystery of the cat.

    One more thing

    If your claim is rejected on the grounds of an act of person, you may appeal. The appeal form is available at the front desk and takes the form of a cat sitting on a document until it is stamped.