The letter
Dear Purrfect Drop,
I am writing about my laptop. It was on the arm of my sofa, where it had been for many years, and my cat, Biscotti, pushed it onto the floor. It no longer turns on. I would like a refund for the laptop, my screen, my keyboard, my memories, and the coffee I was holding at the time.
Yours in distress, A Policyholder
Our reply
Dear Policyholder,
Thank you for writing, and for your patience while we read your letter, which had in fact been delivered to the wrong desk and spent some time under a cat.
We are sorry to hear about the laptop. We are also sorry about the coffee, which we understand was warm.
What your policy covers
Your policy covers one laptop, up to a value of £600, in the event of an act of cat. It does not cover memories, which the Bureau has found to be difficult to value, nor does it cover the coffee, which we regard as a consumable.
What we need from you
- A photograph of the laptop, before and after.
- A statement from the cat. If the cat cannot provide one, a statement from a witness.
- A short description of the sofa arm, including whether it was the type of arm that invites trouble.
A note on the sofa arm
Our records show that sofa arms account for nineteen percent of all laptop claims. We advise that laptops be kept away from sofa arms and, where possible, away from cats. If neither is feasible, we recommend investing in a stand, a case, and a very serious conversation.
Your payout
We are pleased to inform you that the Bureau has approved your claim at sixty percent of the laptop’s value. The remaining forty percent is withheld on account of your having left a laptop near a cat.
Yours sincerely, Inspector Marmalade Quill
Further correspondence
The policyholder replied the following week with a short note. “Thank you for the leaflet,” it read. “I have placed it on the sofa arm, to keep the laptop company.” We take this as a good sign, though we have not told him the leaflet has since been pushed.
What happened to the laptop
The laptop was sent to a repair shop run by a retired technician and his three cats. After inspection it was declared “mostly fine,” a verdict that included a cracked screen, a bent hinge and a small amount of fur in the fan. It now runs, slowly and with great dignity, and it makes a sound like a purr whenever it is switched on.
Our advice to laptop owners
Never leave a laptop on a surface you would not trust with a cup of tea. Never trust a cat who is sitting very still near a laptop. Never assume the lid is closed because it looks closed. And never, under any circumstances, let the cat see you check your email on the sofa arm, since she will interpret this as a challenge.
A word about memories
Policyholders often ask whether we can cover memories. We cannot, but we do offer a modest, one off gesture of sympathy in the form of a card, which we have been told is rather nice. The card features a drawing of a cat holding a very small umbrella over a very small laptop. It is not a legal document.
A general note on refunds
The Bureau does not provide refunds for everything. It provides refunds for something, at a reasonable rate, after a reasonable delay, and with reasonable reluctance. We regard this as the foundation of a long and trusting relationship between a company and the people it quietly disappoints.
In closing
We thank all customers who write to us, whether in distress, in anger or in poetry. Every letter is read by a cat, and most are answered by a human, who is paid slightly less.
