Customers often ask how we calculate their premium. The truthful answer is that we ask the cat. The more elaborate answer follows.
The basic rate
Every household starts at a base premium of £14 a month. This covers one cat, one room and one shelf. For each additional cat we add £6, a figure that reflects the fact that two cats are not twice as much trouble but about four times.
Risk factors
- The number of shelves lower than a metre from the floor.
- The presence of a glass tabletop, which adds £3 and a warning.
- Whether any household member has ever said “she would never.”
- The cat’s age, with kittens carrying the highest loading and old cats the highest dignity.
Discounts
We offer a discount for households with no breakables, though no household has qualified so far. A small discount is also available for those who attach their valuables to the wall with museum putty, and a larger one for those who give up and live without valuables.
A word on fairness
We are committed to fair pricing. Every customer is assessed by the same formula, applied by the same cat, on the same day of the week, at the same level of enthusiasm.
Worked example
A household with two cats, a glass coffee table and a collection of tiny porcelain owls comes to a base of £14, plus £6 for the second cat, plus £3 for the table, plus £22 for the owls, which the Bureau regards as an invitation. The total is £45 per month, which we round up to £50 for dignity.
Appeals
Customers who feel their premium is unfair may appeal by writing to the Bureau and enclosing a photograph of the cat looking responsible. If the photograph is convincing, we will reduce the premium by £1. If not, we will frame it.
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