FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors are delighted to announce a sweeping reform of the policy excess, effective immediately. From the first of next month, customers may pay their excess in treats.
“We listened,” said Director Dame Pomfret Haddock. “Our customers told us the excess was too high. They told us it was confusing. They told us, on several occasions, that it was an insult. We have therefore replaced it with something that cats understand.”
How it works
The excess for most claims will be set at twelve treats, delivered in a sealed pouch. For larger claims, the excess will increase to forty treats, a bonus pouch and a written apology to the cat.
Frequently asked questions
Can I pay in cash? Yes, but cash will be pushed off a table.
Are the treats counted? They are counted by Inspector Quill, who is known to miscount in a way that benefits her.
What if my cat eats the excess? This is classed as an act of cat and will be added to your next claim.
Statement from the cat community
A representative of the cat community, a tabby named Pudding, issued a short statement: “Yes.” The Bureau regards this as a ringing endorsement.
Early reactions
Within an hour of the announcement, the Bureau received 212 messages of support, nine of confusion and one from a cat who simply wrote “more.” Several customers asked whether the treats could be substituted for tuna. The Director replied that tuna is a matter for the Premium Committee, which meets rarely and tends to eat the minutes.
Implementation
Collection boxes will be placed in all regional offices. They are small, brown, and clearly labelled. Please note that the boxes have been used in the past for naps, and the Bureau does not accept responsibility for what is found in them.
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