Haddock and Quill Loss Adjusters

Tag: claims

Reader Questions: Is My Cat Covered if She Pushes Her Own Bowl?

Is a bowl pushed by its own cat a loss?

Yes, but a small one. The bowl has no feelings, though its contents may.

What if the cat pushes the bowl, and then complains?

This is a known behaviour called the double claim. We treat it as one claim with two grievances.

What if the bowl is empty?

An empty bowl pushed from a counter is not a loss, but a statement. The Bureau does not insure statements.

What if the cat eats from the floor?

This is covered under the Dining Extension, which has never been used.

What if the bowl breaks?

Then the bowl becomes a claim, and the claim becomes a file, and the file becomes a story, and the story is one we are very happy to tell.

What about a bowl pushed by someone else’s cat?

This is covered under the Visitor Extension, which applies only if the visiting cat is known to the household, was invited, and left a tip.

What if my cat pushes the bowl at three in the morning?

The time of day does not affect the claim, but it does affect the mood of the assessor. We recommend submitting early claims after nine.

What if I do not own a cat?

Then who pushed the bowl? The Bureau finds this question troubling and recommends you check the neighbours.

What if the bowl lands on my foot?

That is a separate claim, and a separate form, and a separate feeling, and we encourage you to file it with a dry sense of humour.

Will my premium go up?

Your premium will go up in the way that all things go up, which is by gently rolling toward the edge.

Last word

If your bowl is still intact, congratulations. Please do not tell the cat.

October 14, 2026
Case File 0577: The Fish Tank Incident

The policyholder returned home at 6 PM to find the living room carpet saturated, a fish tank empty, and the cat sitting on the sofa with a look of tidy innocence. The fish, remarkably, were found alive in a mixing bowl. Someone, it seems, had rescued them in a hurry.

Initial assessment

The assessor noted a paw print on the edge of the tank. It was wet. It was also, by the shape of it, a cat’s. The cat declined to elaborate.

Complicating factors

The tank was a decorative model with a thin lid, a feature the policyholder described as “stylish.” The lid was found on the floor. The cat was found beneath a blanket, apparently asleep.

Outcome

Claim approved, less excess. The policyholder has been advised to purchase a heavy lid, and the cat has been advised to apologise to the fish. The fish have not yet forgiven her.

Statements

The policyholder was asked whether the cat had ever shown an interest in the fish. “Only every day,” he replied. A neighbour was asked whether she had heard a splash. “I heard a thud, then a splash, then a very long silence,” she said, “and then I heard someone say, ‘Oh, you did not.’” We have accepted this as the clearest account of the afternoon.

The fish

Both fish, one orange and one rather offended grey, were assessed by a vet and declared fit. They have since been given a larger tank, with a heavy lid, an alarm and a small sign saying “Please.” The orange fish has become something of a local celebrity.

Financial summary

The claim for the carpet was paid in full, less excess and a small deduction for the policyholder describing the lid as “stylish.” The claim for the fish was declined on the grounds that fish are not insured against being rescued.

October 9, 2026
Field Notes: The Cushion Question

A recurring dispute in our claims department concerns the cushion. It lies on the floor, it appears in photographs, and it is occasionally blamed.

The soft landing argument

Some policyholders claim that a cushion beneath a falling item should prevent a loss. Our panel observed that this is true, but only if the cushion is placed there before the fall rather than after.

The trap argument

Others claim that cushions are a trap, placed deliberately by the cat so that she can say the fall was gentle. We have no evidence for this, though it is exactly what a clever cat would do.

The witness argument

A third view holds that the cushion saw everything. We attempted to interview a cushion. It did not respond, which the panel regards as suspicious.

Ruling

The panel has concluded that a cushion is neither a landing, a trap, nor a witness, but a cushion. We recommend that cats be allowed to sit on them as a matter of course.

Public submissions

The panel received eleven written submissions on the subject. Nine argued that the cushion was a soft landing. One argued that it was a trap. One was a drawing of a cushion with a small face, which the panel found moving but unhelpful.

Practical advice

Policyholders are advised not to rely on cushions as a protective measure. Instead, they should keep fragile objects away from edges and cats away from objects. If both are impossible, a cushion is a pleasant thing to have nearby, and it makes the aftermath more comfortable for everyone.

Dissenting opinion

One panel member, a brisk grey cat named Ledger, filed a dissent. It read, in full, “It is a cushion. I am sitting on it.” The panel noted her view and asked her to move.

Closing remark

The cushion has since been returned to the sofa, where it remains under review.

October 3, 2026
Press Release: Excess Now Payable in Treats

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors are delighted to announce a sweeping reform of the policy excess, effective immediately. From the first of next month, customers may pay their excess in treats.

“We listened,” said Director Dame Pomfret Haddock. “Our customers told us the excess was too high. They told us it was confusing. They told us, on several occasions, that it was an insult. We have therefore replaced it with something that cats understand.”

How it works

The excess for most claims will be set at twelve treats, delivered in a sealed pouch. For larger claims, the excess will increase to forty treats, a bonus pouch and a written apology to the cat.

Frequently asked questions

Can I pay in cash? Yes, but cash will be pushed off a table.

Are the treats counted? They are counted by Inspector Quill, who is known to miscount in a way that benefits her.

What if my cat eats the excess? This is classed as an act of cat and will be added to your next claim.

Statement from the cat community

A representative of the cat community, a tabby named Pudding, issued a short statement: “Yes.” The Bureau regards this as a ringing endorsement.

Early reactions

Within an hour of the announcement, the Bureau received 212 messages of support, nine of confusion and one from a cat who simply wrote “more.” Several customers asked whether the treats could be substituted for tuna. The Director replied that tuna is a matter for the Premium Committee, which meets rarely and tends to eat the minutes.

Implementation

Collection boxes will be placed in all regional offices. They are small, brown, and clearly labelled. Please note that the boxes have been used in the past for naps, and the Bureau does not accept responsibility for what is found in them.

September 15, 2026
Customer Letter of the Month: ‘My Cat Pushed My Laptop and I Would Like a Refund for Everything’
The letter

Dear Purrfect Drop,

I am writing about my laptop. It was on the arm of my sofa, where it had been for many years, and my cat, Biscotti, pushed it onto the floor. It no longer turns on. I would like a refund for the laptop, my screen, my keyboard, my memories, and the coffee I was holding at the time.

Yours in distress, A Policyholder

Our reply

Dear Policyholder,

Thank you for writing, and for your patience while we read your letter, which had in fact been delivered to the wrong desk and spent some time under a cat.

We are sorry to hear about the laptop. We are also sorry about the coffee, which we understand was warm.

What your policy covers

Your policy covers one laptop, up to a value of £600, in the event of an act of cat. It does not cover memories, which the Bureau has found to be difficult to value, nor does it cover the coffee, which we regard as a consumable.

What we need from you
- A photograph of the laptop, before and after.
- A statement from the cat. If the cat cannot provide one, a statement from a witness.
- A short description of the sofa arm, including whether it was the type of arm that invites trouble.
A note on the sofa arm

Our records show that sofa arms account for nineteen percent of all laptop claims. We advise that laptops be kept away from sofa arms and, where possible, away from cats. If neither is feasible, we recommend investing in a stand, a case, and a very serious conversation.

Your payout

We are pleased to inform you that the Bureau has approved your claim at sixty percent of the laptop’s value. The remaining forty percent is withheld on account of your having left a laptop near a cat.

Yours sincerely, Inspector Marmalade Quill

Further correspondence

The policyholder replied the following week with a short note. “Thank you for the leaflet,” it read. “I have placed it on the sofa arm, to keep the laptop company.” We take this as a good sign, though we have not told him the leaflet has since been pushed.

What happened to the laptop

The laptop was sent to a repair shop run by a retired technician and his three cats. After inspection it was declared “mostly fine,” a verdict that included a cracked screen, a bent hinge and a small amount of fur in the fan. It now runs, slowly and with great dignity, and it makes a sound like a purr whenever it is switched on.

Our advice to laptop owners

Never leave a laptop on a surface you would not trust with a cup of tea. Never trust a cat who is sitting very still near a laptop. Never assume the lid is closed because it looks closed. And never, under any circumstances, let the cat see you check your email on the sofa arm, since she will interpret this as a challenge.

A word about memories

Policyholders often ask whether we can cover memories. We cannot, but we do offer a modest, one off gesture of sympathy in the form of a card, which we have been told is rather nice. The card features a drawing of a cat holding a very small umbrella over a very small laptop. It is not a legal document.

A general note on refunds

The Bureau does not provide refunds for everything. It provides refunds for something, at a reasonable rate, after a reasonable delay, and with reasonable reluctance. We regard this as the foundation of a long and trusting relationship between a company and the people it quietly disappoints.

In closing

We thank all customers who write to us, whether in distress, in anger or in poetry. Every letter is read by a cat, and most are answered by a human, who is paid slightly less.
September 10, 2026
Assessor Diary: A Week of Staring at Things That Fell
Monday

Arrived at 8:15. The first claim of the week involved a lamp, a rug and a very confident ginger cat. I knelt down to measure the distance between the lamp and the rug. The cat knelt too, in the sense that she sat directly on my notes. We both stared at the lamp. I wrote “inconclusive” and she purred.

Tuesday

A flowerpot, a window ledge and a fear of heights. The policyholder insisted that his cat was afraid of the ledge and would never go near it. I found paw prints on the ledge, in dust, in a pattern that formed what looked very much like a signature. I took a photograph and was asked not to be dramatic.

Wednesday

Lunch was a sardine sandwich, which I ate at my desk while a colleague named Thimble asked if I was going to finish it. I was not. I do not believe a case has ever been solved without a sardine sandwich nearby.

Thursday

I attended a household in which every object on the lowest shelf had been moved, one centimetre at a time, over six weeks. The owner called this “a pattern.” I called it “a patient cat.” We agreed to call it Loss 17 and move on.

Friday

A quiet day. Only one claim, for a glass of wine and a cat who did not drink wine, but who did appear to be enjoying the aftermath. I filed the report under “mild and fragrant.”

Saturday and Sunday

The Bureau is closed at weekends, in theory. In practice, I spent both days looking at my own mug, which sat on the edge of my desk at home, placed there by someone who I now think was me. I moved it back by six centimetres. It remained there for an hour. Then the cat came in.

A thought for the week

Every loss has a story, and every story has a cat in it. Our job is not to blame the cat. It is to write down, in tidy handwriting, that we know exactly who did it.

Sunday evening, a postscript

Having re read this diary, I note with some alarm that I have written very little about the actual assessing. This is because the assessing is quite short. One arrives, one looks, one measures, one writes the word “cat.” The rest of the week is waiting, snacks, small talk and a growing feeling that the shelf is watching.

Things I carry in my bag
- A tape measure, silver, which cats love to chase and I love to retrieve.
- A magnifying glass, used mostly for looking at paw prints but sometimes for looking at nothing in a thoughtful way.
- A notebook, stained with tea and the occasional fishy thumbprint.
- A spare notebook, for the notes the first notebook was sat on.
- A small bag of treats, for bribery, diplomacy and morale.
A recurring problem

Every second claim contains the sentence “she has never done this before.” I have heard it so often that I have it embroidered on a cushion. In my experience, a cat who has never done something before is a cat who is about to start. The phrase is not a defence but a forecast.

Rules I have learned

First, never stand directly under the item in question. Second, never stand directly behind the cat. Third, never agree to hold the cat’s tail for her while she thinks. Fourth, if a cat looks at you and then at a glass, step back with the grace of someone who has made the right call.

What I would tell my younger self

Work gets easier, but not by much. The vases do not become any less fragile, and the cats do not become any less certain. One simply learns to bring a thermos, and a second sandwich, and a quiet feeling of respect for a profession that has the cat as its central figure and the floor as its main character.

Final thoughts

If you are ever in doubt, remember that I am always here, in my small grey coat, writing the word cat in a neat hand. It is a job, and it is a calling. It is also, I admit, a great deal of fun.
September 4, 2026
Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means
Every Purrfect Drop policy contains the phrase “act of cat.” It appears in Section 3, between “act of God” and “act of mild neglect.” Customers write to us weekly to ask what it means. We reply in a leaflet, which the customers find less helpful than the phrase.

The short version

An act of cat is any loss caused by a cat that a reasonable person could not have prevented, unless a reasonable person could have, in which case it is an act of person.

The longer version

The courts of our imagination have held that an act of cat requires three elements. First, a cat must be present. Second, an object must be nearby. Third, a loss must follow. The order of these elements is not important, and indeed, the cat often arrives last.

Examples that qualify
- A glass of water pushed from a table while the owner is in another room.
- A plant knocked from a windowsill in pursuit of a bird that does not exist.
- A laptop charger chewed through at a rate of one centimetre per minute.
- A lamp tipped by a cat who was merely checking if it was real.
Examples that do not qualify
- A vase dropped by a human who is blaming the cat.
- A cake eaten by a human who is blaming the cat.
- A broken window caused by a football, followed by a cat sitting beside it looking involved.
Why we do not define it further

If we defined act of cat too carefully, we would be obliged to pay for it. By leaving the phrase gently open, we preserve the dignity of the Bureau and the mystery of the cat.

One more thing

If your claim is rejected on the grounds of an act of person, you may appeal. The appeal form is available at the front desk and takes the form of a cat sitting on a document until it is stamped.
August 29, 2026
Case File 0412: The Vase, the Cat and the Sudden Breeze

Summary of claim

The policyholder, a Mr. Thaddeus Pimm of no fixed opinion, submitted a claim for one blue vase, “ceramic, large, formerly on the sideboard.” The claim form listed the cause of loss as “a sudden breeze.” The attached photograph showed the vase in eleven pieces and a cat in the background, washing a paw.

Under the terms of our standard policy, breakage caused by weather, tremor or an act of nature is covered. Breakage caused by a cat is covered only if the cat acted without intent. This assessment explores the question of intent.

The scene

Our senior assessor, Inspector Marmalade Quill, attended the property on the Thursday following the incident. She found a sideboard of dark wood, a window that did not open, and a doorway through which no breeze had passed in recent memory. A draught excluder lay across the threshold, undisturbed.

The vase had stood two centimetres from the edge. The assessor measured the gap three times and recorded, in her report, “two centimetres, which is not nothing.”

Witness statements

Four witnesses were interviewed. The policyholder said he had been in the kitchen and had heard “a noise like a bell falling down a well.” A neighbour said she had seen nothing, but added that she had always thought the cat looked “ready for something.” A small child said that the cat had looked at the vase, then at the child, then at the vase again. The cat declined to be interviewed, but was observed licking a paw in a manner the assessor described as “unhelpful.”

The breeze, when contacted, did not respond.

Analysis of intent

Our assessment guide defines intent as “any act preceded by visible deliberation.” The cat was observed by the child to undertake three distinct stages of deliberation: the stare, the paw raised, and the pause. In our experience a pause is the clearest sign of intent, since an accident rarely hesitates.

However, the policyholder contended that the cat was only “stretching,” and that the vase had, in a sense, been in the way of the stretch. We have considered this argument carefully. We have also considered that cats stretch in the direction of things they intend to push.

The doctrine of the guilty tail

The Bureau recognises a long standing principle in cat claims known as the guilty tail. If a cat’s tail is lowered, curled or held still in the minutes after a loss, this is taken as evidence of awareness. In this case, the tail was observed to flick twice, then lie flat, then flick again, which our report classifies as “mixed.”

Determination

After thorough review, we have concluded that the loss was caused by a cat acting with partial intent. Under Clause 14, partial intent attracts partial cover. The Bureau will pay forty percent of the replacement cost of the vase, less the excess, plus a small sum for the policyholder’s distress at being told the truth.

Follow up

The policyholder has been advised to move his valuables to a high shelf, preferably one that requires a ladder. He has been further advised to take the ladder away afterwards, since the Bureau regards a ladder as an invitation. The cat has received a formal warning, which she is understood to be using as a bed.

Appendix: the policyholder’s reply

Mr. Pimm responded to the determination within the hour. His letter ran to two pages and used the word “unfair” nine times, the word “breeze” eleven times, and the word “cat” not at all. We have framed it. It hangs in the Bureau reception area, under a small sign reading “Draught Denial, Grade A.”

Note for trainees

New assessors should study this file closely. It shows the importance of measuring the gap, interviewing the child, and never trusting a window that does not open.

August 23, 2026