Haddock and Quill Loss Adjusters

Tag: excess

  • Reader Questions: Is My Cat Covered if She Pushes Her Own Bowl?

    Reader Questions: Is My Cat Covered if She Pushes Her Own Bowl?

    Is a bowl pushed by its own cat a loss?

    Yes, but a small one. The bowl has no feelings, though its contents may.

    What if the cat pushes the bowl, and then complains?

    This is a known behaviour called the double claim. We treat it as one claim with two grievances.

    What if the bowl is empty?

    An empty bowl pushed from a counter is not a loss, but a statement. The Bureau does not insure statements.

    What if the cat eats from the floor?

    This is covered under the Dining Extension, which has never been used.

    What if the bowl breaks?

    Then the bowl becomes a claim, and the claim becomes a file, and the file becomes a story, and the story is one we are very happy to tell.

    What about a bowl pushed by someone else’s cat?

    This is covered under the Visitor Extension, which applies only if the visiting cat is known to the household, was invited, and left a tip.

    What if my cat pushes the bowl at three in the morning?

    The time of day does not affect the claim, but it does affect the mood of the assessor. We recommend submitting early claims after nine.

    What if I do not own a cat?

    Then who pushed the bowl? The Bureau finds this question troubling and recommends you check the neighbours.

    What if the bowl lands on my foot?

    That is a separate claim, and a separate form, and a separate feeling, and we encourage you to file it with a dry sense of humour.

    Will my premium go up?

    Your premium will go up in the way that all things go up, which is by gently rolling toward the edge.

    Last word

    If your bowl is still intact, congratulations. Please do not tell the cat.

  • Premium Calculator: How We Price Your Household Risk

    Premium Calculator: How We Price Your Household Risk

    Customers often ask how we calculate their premium. The truthful answer is that we ask the cat. The more elaborate answer follows.

    The basic rate

    Every household starts at a base premium of £14 a month. This covers one cat, one room and one shelf. For each additional cat we add £6, a figure that reflects the fact that two cats are not twice as much trouble but about four times.

    Risk factors

    • The number of shelves lower than a metre from the floor.
    • The presence of a glass tabletop, which adds £3 and a warning.
    • Whether any household member has ever said “she would never.”
    • The cat’s age, with kittens carrying the highest loading and old cats the highest dignity.

    Discounts

    We offer a discount for households with no breakables, though no household has qualified so far. A small discount is also available for those who attach their valuables to the wall with museum putty, and a larger one for those who give up and live without valuables.

    A word on fairness

    We are committed to fair pricing. Every customer is assessed by the same formula, applied by the same cat, on the same day of the week, at the same level of enthusiasm.

    Worked example

    A household with two cats, a glass coffee table and a collection of tiny porcelain owls comes to a base of £14, plus £6 for the second cat, plus £3 for the table, plus £22 for the owls, which the Bureau regards as an invitation. The total is £45 per month, which we round up to £50 for dignity.

    Appeals

    Customers who feel their premium is unfair may appeal by writing to the Bureau and enclosing a photograph of the cat looking responsible. If the photograph is convincing, we will reduce the premium by £1. If not, we will frame it.

  • Press Release: Excess Now Payable in Treats

    Press Release: Excess Now Payable in Treats

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    The Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors are delighted to announce a sweeping reform of the policy excess, effective immediately. From the first of next month, customers may pay their excess in treats.

    “We listened,” said Director Dame Pomfret Haddock. “Our customers told us the excess was too high. They told us it was confusing. They told us, on several occasions, that it was an insult. We have therefore replaced it with something that cats understand.”

    How it works

    The excess for most claims will be set at twelve treats, delivered in a sealed pouch. For larger claims, the excess will increase to forty treats, a bonus pouch and a written apology to the cat.

    Frequently asked questions

    Can I pay in cash? Yes, but cash will be pushed off a table.

    Are the treats counted? They are counted by Inspector Quill, who is known to miscount in a way that benefits her.

    What if my cat eats the excess? This is classed as an act of cat and will be added to your next claim.

    Statement from the cat community

    A representative of the cat community, a tabby named Pudding, issued a short statement: “Yes.” The Bureau regards this as a ringing endorsement.

    Early reactions

    Within an hour of the announcement, the Bureau received 212 messages of support, nine of confusion and one from a cat who simply wrote “more.” Several customers asked whether the treats could be substituted for tuna. The Director replied that tuna is a matter for the Premium Committee, which meets rarely and tends to eat the minutes.

    Implementation

    Collection boxes will be placed in all regional offices. They are small, brown, and clearly labelled. Please note that the boxes have been used in the past for naps, and the Bureau does not accept responsibility for what is found in them.

  • Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Every Purrfect Drop policy contains the phrase “act of cat.” It appears in Section 3, between “act of God” and “act of mild neglect.” Customers write to us weekly to ask what it means. We reply in a leaflet, which the customers find less helpful than the phrase.

    The short version

    An act of cat is any loss caused by a cat that a reasonable person could not have prevented, unless a reasonable person could have, in which case it is an act of person.

    The longer version

    The courts of our imagination have held that an act of cat requires three elements. First, a cat must be present. Second, an object must be nearby. Third, a loss must follow. The order of these elements is not important, and indeed, the cat often arrives last.

    Examples that qualify

    • A glass of water pushed from a table while the owner is in another room.
    • A plant knocked from a windowsill in pursuit of a bird that does not exist.
    • A laptop charger chewed through at a rate of one centimetre per minute.
    • A lamp tipped by a cat who was merely checking if it was real.

    Examples that do not qualify

    • A vase dropped by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A cake eaten by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A broken window caused by a football, followed by a cat sitting beside it looking involved.

    Why we do not define it further

    If we defined act of cat too carefully, we would be obliged to pay for it. By leaving the phrase gently open, we preserve the dignity of the Bureau and the mystery of the cat.

    One more thing

    If your claim is rejected on the grounds of an act of person, you may appeal. The appeal form is available at the front desk and takes the form of a cat sitting on a document until it is stamped.