Tag: liability

  • Case File 0577: The Fish Tank Incident

    Case File 0577: The Fish Tank Incident

    The policyholder returned home at 6 PM to find the living room carpet saturated, a fish tank empty, and the cat sitting on the sofa with a look of tidy innocence. The fish, remarkably, were found alive in a mixing bowl. Someone, it seems, had rescued them in a hurry.

    Initial assessment

    The assessor noted a paw print on the edge of the tank. It was wet. It was also, by the shape of it, a cat’s. The cat declined to elaborate.

    Complicating factors

    The tank was a decorative model with a thin lid, a feature the policyholder described as “stylish.” The lid was found on the floor. The cat was found beneath a blanket, apparently asleep.

    Outcome

    Claim approved, less excess. The policyholder has been advised to purchase a heavy lid, and the cat has been advised to apologise to the fish. The fish have not yet forgiven her.

    Statements

    The policyholder was asked whether the cat had ever shown an interest in the fish. “Only every day,” he replied. A neighbour was asked whether she had heard a splash. “I heard a thud, then a splash, then a very long silence,” she said, “and then I heard someone say, ‘Oh, you did not.’” We have accepted this as the clearest account of the afternoon.

    The fish

    Both fish, one orange and one rather offended grey, were assessed by a vet and declared fit. They have since been given a larger tank, with a heavy lid, an alarm and a small sign saying “Please.” The orange fish has become something of a local celebrity.

    Financial summary

    The claim for the carpet was paid in full, less excess and a small deduction for the policyholder describing the lid as “stylish.” The claim for the fish was declined on the grounds that fish are not insured against being rescued.

  • Field Notes: The Cushion Question

    Field Notes: The Cushion Question

    A recurring dispute in our claims department concerns the cushion. It lies on the floor, it appears in photographs, and it is occasionally blamed.

    The soft landing argument

    Some policyholders claim that a cushion beneath a falling item should prevent a loss. Our panel observed that this is true, but only if the cushion is placed there before the fall rather than after.

    The trap argument

    Others claim that cushions are a trap, placed deliberately by the cat so that she can say the fall was gentle. We have no evidence for this, though it is exactly what a clever cat would do.

    The witness argument

    A third view holds that the cushion saw everything. We attempted to interview a cushion. It did not respond, which the panel regards as suspicious.

    Ruling

    The panel has concluded that a cushion is neither a landing, a trap, nor a witness, but a cushion. We recommend that cats be allowed to sit on them as a matter of course.

    Public submissions

    The panel received eleven written submissions on the subject. Nine argued that the cushion was a soft landing. One argued that it was a trap. One was a drawing of a cushion with a small face, which the panel found moving but unhelpful.

    Practical advice

    Policyholders are advised not to rely on cushions as a protective measure. Instead, they should keep fragile objects away from edges and cats away from objects. If both are impossible, a cushion is a pleasant thing to have nearby, and it makes the aftermath more comfortable for everyone.

    Dissenting opinion

    One panel member, a brisk grey cat named Ledger, filed a dissent. It read, in full, “It is a cushion. I am sitting on it.” The panel noted her view and asked her to move.

    Closing remark

    The cushion has since been returned to the sofa, where it remains under review.

  • Premium Calculator: How We Price Your Household Risk

    Premium Calculator: How We Price Your Household Risk

    Customers often ask how we calculate their premium. The truthful answer is that we ask the cat. The more elaborate answer follows.

    The basic rate

    Every household starts at a base premium of £14 a month. This covers one cat, one room and one shelf. For each additional cat we add £6, a figure that reflects the fact that two cats are not twice as much trouble but about four times.

    Risk factors

    • The number of shelves lower than a metre from the floor.
    • The presence of a glass tabletop, which adds £3 and a warning.
    • Whether any household member has ever said “she would never.”
    • The cat’s age, with kittens carrying the highest loading and old cats the highest dignity.

    Discounts

    We offer a discount for households with no breakables, though no household has qualified so far. A small discount is also available for those who attach their valuables to the wall with museum putty, and a larger one for those who give up and live without valuables.

    A word on fairness

    We are committed to fair pricing. Every customer is assessed by the same formula, applied by the same cat, on the same day of the week, at the same level of enthusiasm.

    Worked example

    A household with two cats, a glass coffee table and a collection of tiny porcelain owls comes to a base of £14, plus £6 for the second cat, plus £3 for the table, plus £22 for the owls, which the Bureau regards as an invitation. The total is £45 per month, which we round up to £50 for dignity.

    Appeals

    Customers who feel their premium is unfair may appeal by writing to the Bureau and enclosing a photograph of the cat looking responsible. If the photograph is convincing, we will reduce the premium by £1. If not, we will frame it.

  • Assessor Handbook Extract: How To Interview a Suspect Cat

    Assessor Handbook Extract: How To Interview a Suspect Cat

    Before you begin

    A cat interview is not a conversation. It is a negotiation, and the cat holds all the cards, most of them in her paws. Prepare a calm room, a comfortable chair, a notebook and a small plate of something fishy. Do not bring a tape recorder. Cats consider recorders rude.

    Opening the interview

    Begin with a casual greeting, such as “Good afternoon.” The cat will not respond. This is normal. Wait for a count of ten and then say, “I understand there was an incident.” The cat will look at the wall. Make a note.

    Key questions

    • Where were you at the time of the incident?
    • What were your intentions?
    • Is this your tail, or is it a colleague’s?
    • Would you say the vase looked ready?

    Interpreting the answers

    A cat who answers by washing her face is saying “I decline to comment.” A cat who walks away slowly is saying “I have already been cleared.” A cat who falls asleep is saying “You are not very good at this.”

    Concluding the interview

    Thank the cat. Do not shake a paw. Leave a treat as a gesture of goodwill and do not mention it in the report.

    Common pitfalls

    Do not interview two cats at once. They will reach a private agreement within seconds, usually based on a look, and you will be left with two identical silences. Do not offer a cat a seat that is lower than yours. She will take it as an insult and sit on your coat instead. Do not ask a cat to describe a vase in her own words. She will use the only word she has, which is a very long stare.

    Notes on body language

    • Slow blink: a sign of trust, or of boredom, depending on the hour.
    • Ears flat: a sign that you have reached the end of the interview.
    • Tail wrapped around the paws: a sign of composure, and probably guilt.
    • Standing up, stretching and walking away: a sign of a full confession, delivered in the only language she has.
  • Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Policy Wording Explained: What ‘Act of Cat’ Really Means

    Every Purrfect Drop policy contains the phrase “act of cat.” It appears in Section 3, between “act of God” and “act of mild neglect.” Customers write to us weekly to ask what it means. We reply in a leaflet, which the customers find less helpful than the phrase.

    The short version

    An act of cat is any loss caused by a cat that a reasonable person could not have prevented, unless a reasonable person could have, in which case it is an act of person.

    The longer version

    The courts of our imagination have held that an act of cat requires three elements. First, a cat must be present. Second, an object must be nearby. Third, a loss must follow. The order of these elements is not important, and indeed, the cat often arrives last.

    Examples that qualify

    • A glass of water pushed from a table while the owner is in another room.
    • A plant knocked from a windowsill in pursuit of a bird that does not exist.
    • A laptop charger chewed through at a rate of one centimetre per minute.
    • A lamp tipped by a cat who was merely checking if it was real.

    Examples that do not qualify

    • A vase dropped by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A cake eaten by a human who is blaming the cat.
    • A broken window caused by a football, followed by a cat sitting beside it looking involved.

    Why we do not define it further

    If we defined act of cat too carefully, we would be obliged to pay for it. By leaving the phrase gently open, we preserve the dignity of the Bureau and the mystery of the cat.

    One more thing

    If your claim is rejected on the grounds of an act of person, you may appeal. The appeal form is available at the front desk and takes the form of a cat sitting on a document until it is stamped.

  • Case File 0412: The Vase, the Cat and the Sudden Breeze

    Case File 0412: The Vase, the Cat and the Sudden Breeze

    Summary of claim

    The policyholder, a Mr. Thaddeus Pimm of no fixed opinion, submitted a claim for one blue vase, “ceramic, large, formerly on the sideboard.” The claim form listed the cause of loss as “a sudden breeze.” The attached photograph showed the vase in eleven pieces and a cat in the background, washing a paw.

    Under the terms of our standard policy, breakage caused by weather, tremor or an act of nature is covered. Breakage caused by a cat is covered only if the cat acted without intent. This assessment explores the question of intent.

    The scene

    Our senior assessor, Inspector Marmalade Quill, attended the property on the Thursday following the incident. She found a sideboard of dark wood, a window that did not open, and a doorway through which no breeze had passed in recent memory. A draught excluder lay across the threshold, undisturbed.

    The vase had stood two centimetres from the edge. The assessor measured the gap three times and recorded, in her report, “two centimetres, which is not nothing.”

    Witness statements

    Four witnesses were interviewed. The policyholder said he had been in the kitchen and had heard “a noise like a bell falling down a well.” A neighbour said she had seen nothing, but added that she had always thought the cat looked “ready for something.” A small child said that the cat had looked at the vase, then at the child, then at the vase again. The cat declined to be interviewed, but was observed licking a paw in a manner the assessor described as “unhelpful.”

    The breeze, when contacted, did not respond.

    Analysis of intent

    Our assessment guide defines intent as “any act preceded by visible deliberation.” The cat was observed by the child to undertake three distinct stages of deliberation: the stare, the paw raised, and the pause. In our experience a pause is the clearest sign of intent, since an accident rarely hesitates.

    However, the policyholder contended that the cat was only “stretching,” and that the vase had, in a sense, been in the way of the stretch. We have considered this argument carefully. We have also considered that cats stretch in the direction of things they intend to push.

    The doctrine of the guilty tail

    The Bureau recognises a long standing principle in cat claims known as the guilty tail. If a cat’s tail is lowered, curled or held still in the minutes after a loss, this is taken as evidence of awareness. In this case, the tail was observed to flick twice, then lie flat, then flick again, which our report classifies as “mixed.”

    Determination

    After thorough review, we have concluded that the loss was caused by a cat acting with partial intent. Under Clause 14, partial intent attracts partial cover. The Bureau will pay forty percent of the replacement cost of the vase, less the excess, plus a small sum for the policyholder’s distress at being told the truth.

    Follow up

    The policyholder has been advised to move his valuables to a high shelf, preferably one that requires a ladder. He has been further advised to take the ladder away afterwards, since the Bureau regards a ladder as an invitation. The cat has received a formal warning, which she is understood to be using as a bed.

    Appendix: the policyholder’s reply

    Mr. Pimm responded to the determination within the hour. His letter ran to two pages and used the word “unfair” nine times, the word “breeze” eleven times, and the word “cat” not at all. We have framed it. It hangs in the Bureau reception area, under a small sign reading “Draught Denial, Grade A.”

    Note for trainees

    New assessors should study this file closely. It shows the importance of measuring the gap, interviewing the child, and never trusting a window that does not open.