Before you begin
A cat interview is not a conversation. It is a negotiation, and the cat holds all the cards, most of them in her paws. Prepare a calm room, a comfortable chair, a notebook and a small plate of something fishy. Do not bring a tape recorder. Cats consider recorders rude.
Opening the interview
Begin with a casual greeting, such as “Good afternoon.” The cat will not respond. This is normal. Wait for a count of ten and then say, “I understand there was an incident.” The cat will look at the wall. Make a note.
Key questions
- Where were you at the time of the incident?
- What were your intentions?
- Is this your tail, or is it a colleague’s?
- Would you say the vase looked ready?
Interpreting the answers
A cat who answers by washing her face is saying “I decline to comment.” A cat who walks away slowly is saying “I have already been cleared.” A cat who falls asleep is saying “You are not very good at this.”
Concluding the interview
Thank the cat. Do not shake a paw. Leave a treat as a gesture of goodwill and do not mention it in the report.
Common pitfalls
Do not interview two cats at once. They will reach a private agreement within seconds, usually based on a look, and you will be left with two identical silences. Do not offer a cat a seat that is lower than yours. She will take it as an insult and sit on your coat instead. Do not ask a cat to describe a vase in her own words. She will use the only word she has, which is a very long stare.
Notes on body language
- Slow blink: a sign of trust, or of boredom, depending on the hour.
- Ears flat: a sign that you have reached the end of the interview.
- Tail wrapped around the paws: a sign of composure, and probably guilt.
- Standing up, stretching and walking away: a sign of a full confession, delivered in the only language she has.
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